I miss Thanksgiving.

Not the one that was a few days ago...the many that were over 20 years ago now.

That's when my father was still alive.

He was the heart of every holiday for us really. For as much as my mother grumped around.. complaining and yelling...he was the most joyous opposite. I really liked that I was the one that always got to sit next to him at the head of the dinner table. All the while my mother would be stern in her prayer and scoldings...my father would be making funny faces at me. (He always made sure I got extra chocolate pie too) After dinner he would tell me stories about his own family from Europe and we would often go outside to stare at the sky. I never really knew why. I suspect he was thinking about his family that he missed that had passed on. Still, it was "our" special time.

Even as I grew older, my father's young at heart and happy persona always remained strong. He really was my hero and indeed he was what I was always most thankful for those days so long ago.

The Thanksgiving after he passed away his seat remained empty that dinner. We all mostly ate in silence...well except for my mother's complaining. I found myself glancing down at my son and making silly faces at him. I felt like there was a huge hole in my heart, but I knew that I had to carry on my dad's own unique holiday traditions. I made sure my son got extra pie and then I wandered outside alone to look at the sky.

When I came in a bit teary and empty I had gone to the hall closet for some insignificant reason. Leaning to my left was my dad's cane. I held the handle and smiled. It was then that I "felt" Thanksgiving...remembering family in the present and the past.

I glanced at the dinner table and saw the ghosts of my uncle and aunt laughing..my dad pulling silly faces and doing magic tricks..my sister poking me and pouring soda pop on my head.

Every year..no matter what the dinner table..I still see those ghosts.

And I AM thankful.

Its because of those memories I can treasure those of my own children. I take in every movement, smile, or joke. Like a picture in my mind, it stays with me always as the years pass.

I just wish my dad was here to see it.