It's official...I have man hands.
My nails are chipped, the pink nail polish has worn away, there's grime underneath each nail, and my knuckles look swollen. This is what I get for buying and attempting to plant (in 2 days)more flowers than my gardening beds can hold. But I must admit, I am a flower maniac. A few days ago (the unfortunate incident where I took my Wrangler and failed miserably) I had just a handful of of gigantic man eating plants.(I say that because I still haven't found my husband out back since I planted) Today I have more colors and flowers then I can count. I had a glorious spend at the garden center! I had enlisted my husband, children, and visiting best friend to trail behind me like good little soldiers with a procession of red wagons while I threw everything (including an innocent passersby) into their carts. I couldn't pronounce most of what I bought..but that just made it much more exciting. Who needs Petunias when one can buy exotic plants like Bougainvilleas? I am not deluding myself here. I realize that I will probably inadvertently kill 70 percent of my haul. I am like a mad scientist when it comes to weed killer, fertilizer, and highly specialized mulch. Unfortunately, my zest usually leads to yellow leaves, root rot, or stinky soil. But for today, as I sit here sipping lemonade..looking down at my man hands..it was all worth it. (Well, until the deer jump my fence thinking they have found the neighborhood plant buffet) I did spray some horrible concoction on the leaves (it says it keeps deer away) ...but Lordy help me...it smells like a fine combo of old garlic and crap. I think it scared the neighbors more than the deer. I used to hang bars of Irish Spring on poles to keep the animals away...but when it rained my yard looked like a bubble bath. I resorted to human hair too. They say the smell keeps the animals away. But I don't think the children liked me chasing them with scissors. I'd like to think I'm a great gardener, but I'm not. I did have cute pink gardening gloves, (that I lost) a shiny trowel, (that the mower ran over), and a fine sun hat (that was mistaken for a UFO)...but that just doesn't cut it. While my neighbors baskets will flow with flowering beauty..mine will undoubtedly flow with scraggly bits of leaves..that turn out to be weeds. I really do try though. I've read that coffee grounds and eggshells help the soil...but instead they've just helped my dog to brunch and diarrhea. I have moles too! Fascinating creatures really. Have you ever chased and stabbed at a moving mound of dirt with a pitchfork? (Or worse miss and stab your toe?) It's quite entertaining exercise, but leaves the yard looking a bit like a dirt maze. I've heard about dish soap and cayenne pepper chasing the pesky critters away...but worse, urine. I bet if I paid my son enough (or got my husband drunk enough) they might pee in a few holes for me. Still, I have some hope for a bit of a better garden this year. The nice old man that sold me various poisons at Ace Hardware guaranteed it...and gave me free popcorn to boot. (I hope that isn't what's causing the rash on my hand...the poisons, not the popcorn) I did wear some sort of aged farmer gloves so I should have been protected...but then again those gloves have been sitting in an old cardboard box under the fire ant killer for over 3 years. Come to think of it... the last owners of the house left them there. (I hope this isn't that horrible flesh eating disease) Come to think of it my hands look worse than man hands. They look like blotchy, ugly, OLD man hands. Sorry..have to run. I'm off to lotion up and paint my stubby nail bits before I frighten my husband away...well, if I can find him out back...somewhere beyond the shrubs, behind the melon plants, across the stream, around the vines, and under the shade of the leafy, killer, pointed plants with no name.
